Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.