The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?