just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
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Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
can’t bark with your mouth full
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”