If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
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I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Hmmmmm
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Childbirth is so beautiful
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
A French press is when you hug naked
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.