@WICKEDTRUTH01: If there isn't an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I'm not going!
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@sarcasm_inc: *The Terminator opens a fortune cookie. "It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way." John: I know it doesn't say that.
@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@LeBearGirdle: [At dinner with wife's friends] Me: may I chime in Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes- *my bag dings a little as I unzip it*