If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
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had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
why would tinder want me to say this
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis