If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.