@GreenSmoke_: If there was any award for laziness, I probably would send someone to pick it up for me.
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@GypsyWingss: Mom: a little birdie told me you got drunk last night Me: you're the one friggen talking to birds
@MrFornicator: I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
@KingsnorthAP: Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
@disco_bird: All firemen must dread the moment when they're done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.