CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
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Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.