Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.