If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Gross if literal…Liverpool
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Money is the root of all wealth
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.