@Dawn_M_: If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with a werewolf.
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@aPunch2theJunk: I work with a guy named Rick. I'm pretty sure he spells his name with a silent "P."
@Brianhopecomedy: I probably should've said, "Congrats on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".
@GrillinChillin9: The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead. -Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
@Marlebean: Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00. Me: I can't come, I'm allergic. Boss: But we're not serving food. Me: ... yeah now I really can't come.