If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves