@McNevich: If there's a pistachio that's difficult to open, I'll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty.
@dril: i am developing a ground brekaing new app called "MOneyWallet", where you earn "Money Points" by mailing cash to my house
@therealeatwood: Instead of complaining that it’s hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now.
@skullpuppy11: My neighbours probably think I'm getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.