And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
You Might Also Like
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
We found love in a hopeless place.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Generation gap…
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.