Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…