Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
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My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
boat question
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark