@shopkins776: If there's a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
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@sabre_squirrel: *saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*
@WesTheFatKid: "Because Im a goddamned rock star!" wasn't the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.
@daemonic3: [traffic court] Your honor, I'm here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets JUDGE: Repeat infractions? Ok, I'm here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets