If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
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– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}