If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
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My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
just witnessed a drug deal
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas