If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
You Might Also Like
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this