@sskylark: If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Feel free to name your next kid after me. Coworker: Why would I name my kid “Giant Douchebag?”
@hazelmotes1: "I missed you so much!" I shout as I run past my wife's open arms and jump into my bed.
@Darlainky: The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
@TheAlexP: The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.