I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
this will hang in the louvre one day
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.