Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I have a new favorite meme page
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules