General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”