The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
You Might Also Like
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
when you order from DoorDastardly
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?