@Ristolable: If there's no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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@SJSchauer: Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite? *later walking home* Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
@LostCatDog: I peed in an ocean, but I'm not going to tell you which one - you're going to have to take your chances.
@KeetPotato: [gameshow] me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] "17" host: [looks at me weird] "that's wrong" other contestant: "salmon?" host: "correct"