If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches