If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Happy Thanksgiving
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl