If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
No, he would not have.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No