If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.