If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Finally! 😈
12. I think about this all the damn time
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids