If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
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The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Real House Wines.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.