If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The funk soul brother
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise