If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
The Onion called it…again.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.