If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
there’s probably a fee though
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
No Google it does not
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE