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*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Introverted vegans go meetless
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire