@mybigblondelife: If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.
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@online_rat: my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
@Awk0Tacoo: It's really hard to explain that your eyes are really red from allergies and not weed when you're buying cupcakes and a pound of Doritos.
@ohpegah: [my first attempt at standup] ME: So, I was at the gym the other day... MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren't
@TwoSapphiresBlu: "May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind." -Sir Smirnoff