CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
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[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
This is a whole mood;
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?