If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
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Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.