Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
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unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
#Thanos #MondayMood
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.