[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
You Might Also Like
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉