If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
asked my bf how work was today
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
No. He’s not coming out to play
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much