@WilliamAder: If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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@iamspacegirl: "Makin all the ladies drop they panties" I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria's Secret.
@therealeatwood: ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance? MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.
@Quadricycle: [At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?
@P_o_n_k: INVESTOR: But how will I know when it's done? INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you've ever been.