If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Become a minion. Get that bread.