If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD