IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring