For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: