If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.