@steveolivas: If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
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@jimmytorosian: [Soldiers regrouping] Where's Jim? He went M.I.A. *Cut to Jim* ♫ All I wanna do *bang bang bang bang* *reloading noise* And shoot enemies ♫
@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: I couldn't sleep. Just thinking all night Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day
@lovejulieayn: Snoop Dogg; Shake what'cha momma gave you. Me; Ummm... ok. <vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
@mrsmith196645: Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I'm left wondering just how much he's actually been listening.