If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
You can’t rush stupid.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*