If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
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Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.