I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat