Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
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-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
This is me 🤣🤣
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.