The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
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Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.