@Phook75: If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream "What the hell? You're almost 300 years old!"
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@XplodingUnicorn: Someone cut my 6-year-old's hair She says she didn't do it Be on the lookout for a mysterious hair-cutting bandit who looks just like her
@JasonLastname: Who'd win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.
@drhappyknuckles: Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.
@BlindChow: Hi, I'd like a salamus sandwich, please. "You mean salami?" No, just a single salamus. "Um ok, anything else on that?" Yes, one pepperonus.