If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
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Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Flock of bats
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
This is what makes twitter great
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.