@LOsepyan: If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.
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@KalvinMacleod: *hires skywriter Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes
@Reverend_Scott: Carl: Cold out night. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders' ability to make webs. Me: Fair enough.
@peachesanscream: New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him :( He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.