@LOsepyan: If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.
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@weinerdog4life: Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost
@DuaneABarrett: Just overheard someone say, "I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries." You know. Like a book.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Whatcha doin? 12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead. Me: Did Hershel die yet? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Guess not.
@bornmiserable: You know you're on drugs when you're talking to your kids about drugs and you don't have any kids.