Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
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The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
you stereotypes are all alike
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
classic mixup
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat