[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
“and how does that make you feel?”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here